So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
