I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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