Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
