All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
