I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
