Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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