Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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