made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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