I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
