Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
