Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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