Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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