Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
