i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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