Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
