this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize