I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
