my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
