Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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