6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
