I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
