Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
