I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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