I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
