i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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