Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
