why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
