she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
