I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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