Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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