I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
