I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
