I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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