Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
