dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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