talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
