I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
