he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
