and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
