he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
