my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
