elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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