he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
