You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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