i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
