there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize