Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
