Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
