It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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