When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
