I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
