Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
