By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
