Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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