sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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