i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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