Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
