She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
