Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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