Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
